Attack of the Smooze!
by Dead Decoy
Summary: Twilight Sparkle discovers a movie was made in Ponyville! Why does everypony refuse to talk about it?


_**Originally posted to Fimfiction in horrifying Ponovision!**  
_

_So remEMBER..._

The confident voice of the narrator quickly dissolved into a garbled mess as the film sputtered out of the projector, and on the dragon manning it.

Twilight, having watched his last five attempts to get the ancient film to work beyond those two words, began to magically roll the film back into its canister. "It's okay, Spike. We have a spare of that film, anyway. Uh, Spike?"

Twilight looked up to see that she had accidentally mummified Spike within the roll of film. Panicking, she instantly untangled the entire movie around him, freeing him and at the same time dropping him on his head.

"Omigosh, Spike! I wasn't looking and I-"

Spike rubbed his head where a bump had started to form, and waved his claw. "S'alright. Where did you find that old piece of junk anyway? I thought we only kept books."

"Well, Rainbow Dash asked me if I had anything that could teach a lot of ponies about the Cloudsdale Tornado without it being too 'lecturey'. I found that old projector and a copy of _Tornadoes and You!_ while I was looking around in the basement!"

Spike looked back at the projector. "Huh. Hey, were there any other movies down there?"

"Actually, there was a whole collection of them. In fact, there was a ledger listing all the ones the library owned, but-"

Spike arched a brow. "But what?"

"Well, the ledger wasn't finished! I checked, double-checked, and quintuple-verified, but there was one movie that the ledger mentioned and it wasn't there!"

Spike rolled his eyes. He had seen what happened when something went unaccounted for in Twilight's massive organizational structure, and he also knew that in her obsession to find it had probably just dropped it behind a shelf. "Well, we have to get this thing back to the basement anyhow. How about I help you find it?"

Twilight patted Spike on his scaly head. "Thank you, Spike, that would be very helpful. I haven't slept in two days looking for it!"

Spike facepalmed.

Later, the unicorn and the dragon were sorting through a small mountain of movie reel canisters in the basement, each one containing some educational movie or classic long since forgotten. Spike was stacking each movie in a haphazard pile behind him, with Twilight checking off each movie as they went.

_"Mules are Ponies Too?"_

"Got it."

_"So You Just Got Your Cutie Mark?"_

"Got it."

Spike began to get annoyed. They had been down here for hours and they still hadn't found the movie they were looking for, even though the stack of accounted movies was now almost reaching the ceiling. "You know," Spike said as he began delicately balancing another movie reel, "this would be a lot easier if you'd just tell me the name of the movie you're missing."

Twilight blinked, and then giggled. "Oh, I guess you're right. Let's see here."

She flipped through the pages of the rather large ledger, having forgotten the name of the movie herself. On the very last page she found it, stabbing the book with her hoof.

"Aha! Here it is!" she exclaimed and she leaned in for a closer look. "Hmm, it looks like the movie we're looking for is called "_Attack of the Smooze!"_

Spike fought back a laugh. "Smooze? What kind of name is that?"

Twilight began reading the rest of the page, which listed information about the movie. "I don't know, but it looks like it was made a really long time ago and..." she trailed off, concentrating on a single line.

Spike tilted his head. "And what?"

"If this ledger's right, the movie was made right here in Ponyville!"

"Woah. Seriously?"

Twilight nodded. "Yes. It even lists some of the actors." Twilight's eyes lit up. "Ooh! I bet they even have copies of the movie!" She smiled and clapped her hooves. "We can complete the collection yet, Spike!"

Spike pointed a thumb back to the skyscraper of film he had so painstakingly created. "But what about the-"

"No time!" Twilight said as she began putting on her book pack, "There is an archive incomplete. As librarian of Ponyville, I cannot let this stand!"

Spike sighed. It was going to be one of those days.

* * *

Only a few minutes later Twilight was ready, with a list of every actor in the movie that she knew lived in Ponyville. With Spike in tow she set out to obtain a copy of this long lost film, so that no pony could ever set eyes upon an unfinished ledger!

Twilight trotted down the main street of Ponyville, eyes intently set on the list she had created. "The first pony on the list is...a donkey!"

Twilight was of course talking about Matilda, a longtime resident of Ponyville. No longer just down the street, she now lived on the outskirts on Ponyville with Cranky Doodle, quite a ways walk. Twilight knew, however, that if she had a copy of _Attack of the Smooze!_, it would be well worth it. She had just rolled up the scroll to place it in her book bag when Pinkie Pie seemingly bounced out of nowhere to strike up a conversation.

"Hi, Twilight! It's a beautiful day for a stroll, huh? Hey, did you know stroll rhymes with 'roll'? I think it's a pretty day for a roll, too! Wait, what kind of pony would roll? Did they lose their legs in a horrible-"

"Actually, Pinkie," Twilight interrupted before she became trapped in a trademark Pinkie Pie stream of consiousness, "I'm looking for a movie." She wiggled the scroll with her magic. "This list shows all the ponies in Ponyville that might have a copy."

"Oooh." Pinkie's pupils dilated, and her eyes grew just a little bit bigger. "Ooooooh! Can I help? I was planning a megarific, partytacular blowout for Mr. Breezy's birthday and I finished all the stuff I needed to do really early!" Pinkie began jumping up and down, somehow with even more pep than before.

The list Twilight had was rather long, and if she ended up having to go through the entire list by herself, the whole day would be spent. If she split the list between her and Pinkie Pie, she could get it done at least twice as fast. Then again, Pinkie Pie.

"I don't know, Pinkie."

Pinkie's eyes grew even larger, and if she were hopping any faster she'd have become a blur. "Oh, please let me help, Twilight! Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseoh-"

Twilight knew when she was beat. "Fine," she said as she ripped the scroll in two and gave the bottom half to Pinkie Pie, "but make sure you get a copy that works, okay?"

Pinkie saluted. "Yes ma'am, Sparkle ma'am!" she shouted, and in an instant she was gone.

It took Twilight almost an hour to reach Matilda and Cranky Doodle's house, a modest cottage very much meant for the quiet retirement Cranky Doodle had sought. A small black cloud billowed from the smokestack, so Twilight at least knew someone was home. She knocked on the door, and the clanking of several locks followed. The door finally opened, and standing in the doorway was just the donkey she wanted to talk to.

Matilda smiled. "Twilight! What brings you all the way out here, dearie?"

"Hello, Matilda. Well, I wanted to ask you something."

"Why of course! Oh, do come in though, I think I look silly standing next to all these locks. Cranky always was a little paranoid!"

Twilight walked inside, and as she entered Matilda began walking toward the kitchen. "Let me pour you a cup of tea. You're probably thirsty from the long walk over!"

A few minutes passed and Matilda came back out of the kitchen holding a silver platter in her mouth with two steaming cups of tea. Twilight had taken the time to find someplace to sit, a small little sofa in the corner of the house. Matilda set the platter down on a table in front of the sofa and took her own cup. "Cranky's out getting groceries. This is the last bit of tea we had, you know."

She leaned down and took a sip of her own cup as Twilight used her magic to drink her own.

"Now then, dear, what did you want to ask me?"

"Matilda, were you ever in any movies?"

Matilda grinned. "Oh, I was quite the actress back in the day. Why, Princess Celestia saw one of my plays and personally invited me to the Grand Galloping Gala! Why do you ask, dear?"

"Well, I'm looking for an old movie. Did you ever receive any copies of the movies you were in?"

"I have a few. Which one are you looking for?"

Inside her head, Twilight was already celebrating. First on the list and she already probably had met with success. "Oh, it's called "Attack of the Smooze!"

Matilda's smile instantly evaporated, and was replaced with a glare that would have turned Discord to stone, again. "Get out."

Twilight frowned. What did she say? "But I-"

"OUT!" she screamed, and Twilight quickly complied as she fled the barrage of cups and scalding tea, only stopping when she had run a good ten feet out the door. She looked back just in time to see Matilda angrily slam the door, followed by the sounds of the entire lock ensemble being set into place.

"Well, that was odd." Twilight said as she took out a quill and crossed Matilda's name off the list. Still, she had quite a few names to go and one rude donkey wouldn't deter her. Noting the next pony on the list, she rolled up the scroll and headed back to Ponyville.

* * *

Pinkie's method of obtaining the movie was a bit more direct.

"Hi! Do you have _Attack of the Smooze!?_" she would say to every pony on the list. Most of the answers she received were slammed doors in her face, a few were a barrage of extremely unkind words, and one was a scream.

As Pinkie watched the last pony on her list run away, she couldn't help feeling confused. Why did mentioning this movie make everypony so angry? As she was pondering this thought and also of cupcakes made of pure chocolate, she saw a very exhausted Twilight round the corner, checking off what looked to be the next to last name on her list.

"Hi, Twilight! Any luck?"

Twilight sighed. "No, Pinkie. Every pony I've talked to so far has either kicked me out of their house or refused to talk to me. How about you?"

"Nope! But I did learn a few new words!"

The unicorn shook her head. "Well, I have one last pony on mine." Twilight tilted her head and squinted.

"Hmmm. I don't recognize this name."

Pinkie had, of course, slowly risen from behind Twilight as she was looking at the list. The pink earthy pony gasped, causing Twilight to fumble the scroll and drop it.

"Pinkie!"

"Sorry, Twilight! But I know who that is! It's the mayor's name!"

A breakthrough! Twilight smushed Pinkie's very pliable face between her two hooves. "Pinkie, you're a genius! If there is one pony in Ponyville who will act professionally about this, it's the mayor! To city hall!"

* * *

The mayor had been sorting through a mountain of paperwork when a dull thump slammed against her office door, followed by three polite knocks. "Yes?" she answered, wondering if she had an appointment that she had forgotten about.

"Canicomeincanicomeincani-" one voice replied before it was quickly muffled.

"Yes, mayor? It's Twilight Sparkle. I was wondering if I could ask you a few questions."

The mayor figured the papers could wait. If it was Twilight Sparkle that needed some questions answered, there were almost certainly matters of national security, or at the very least needed in making sure that the unicorn pony herself didn't end up destroying the town. "Yes, Miss Sparkle. Come in."

Pinkie barged in first, followed by Twilight. As Pinkie made herself at home by examining every square inch of the office and asking questions about it, Twilight simply sat down in the middle of the office and lowered her head.

"I know this is a long shot, and I've asked every pony in Ponyville!" she raised her head and looked into the mayor's eyes to completely convey her desperation, "Please tell me you have a copy of _Attack of the Smooze!_ I've looked high and low and all over town and nopony wants to cooperate, and if I don't get a copy my ledger will be..." she trailed off, and then took a deep breath, "INACCURATE!"

Twilight was expected the mayor to tell her to get out of her sight any second now, but when she looked up the Mayor was simply looking at her with a sad knowing. She placed a hoof on her shoulder, "Miss Sparkle, there are no surviving copies. They were all lost in a fire in Ponyville years ago, which is probably why everypony gets angry at you when you ask. I'm sorry. You'll just have to list the movie as 'lost'.

Twilight closed her eyes, taking in the full impact of her failure. "I understand. Sorry that I wasted your time. C'mon, Pinkie." she said as she slowly moved out the door with Pinkie happily bouncing behind her.

The mayor stood there a few moments longer until she was sure they were out of earshot, then made her way back to her desk and let out a long sigh.

"Whew. That was too close."

* * *

Twilight slinked back to the library, Pinkie still following, perhaps in some effort to cheer her up.

"Aw, don't be so sad Twilight!" the pink pony chirped as they approached the library, "why, if I had a bit for every time I forgot an ingredient when making cupcakes I'd be richer than Mr. Filthy!"

"IT'S RICH!" Filthy Rich shouted from across the street.

As Twilight slowly walked into the library, Spike was standing in the middle of the library, claws behind his back. "So, uh, Twilight. Any luck finding the movie?"

"No, Spike. Take a letter, I'll be explaining to Princess Celestia that I'm not fit to run this library."

Spike rocked back and forth on his heels, carrying a coy smile. "Well, I don't know about that..."

Twilight lifted her head, looking at the smug dragon with some hesitation. "Spike? What are you talking about?"

Taking that as his cue, Spike brought his hands out from behind his back and in them was a movie reel canister labeled _"Attack of the Smooze!"_, showing what looked to be some fire damage but otherwise in great shape.

All of her misfortunes of the day became irrelevant as she jumped for joy and grabbed the movie

canister out of Spike claws with her magic. "Spike, you're amazing! Where do you find this!?"

Spike rubbed the back of his head. "Well, after you left, I kept looking around to see if I might have missed anything. I was walking around and I heard a creak. Turns out somepony had a hidden compartment in the floor, and it looks like they put this movie there." Spike then reached behind his back and produced a small note. "It, uh, came with this note too. Looks like one of the former librarians wrote it."

Twilight took the note too, slowly going over the small, precise writing, and read the piece of paper aloud.

_"Saved the film from the burning. Canister's a bit scorched, but the movie itself is intact. Will hide this where nopony can find it for now. If you're reading this, you've found this town's darkest secret. Don't know when this will be found, but I ask that you show it, to remind Ponyville to never make the same mistake again. NEVER FORGET._

_- Paper Cut, Head Librarian."_

"Yeah, that's all it says." said Spike. "Do you think we should show it?"

Twilight nodded. "Chapter 4, Section 2, Paragraph 29 of the Librarian Code of Ethics explicitly states that the wishes of any former Head Librarian, if in writing, must be adhered to within the fullest capability of the library's staff and in the confines of the law."

"So, yes?"

Pinkie, who had miraculously remained silent until now, interjected. "Ooh! Ooh! I know where we can show it! There's a big flat cliff just outside Ponyville! You could show the movie to the entire town on it!"

"Pinkie, our projector's nowhere nearly powerful or reliable enough to do that. Where are we going to get one that projects at that size?"

"Iiiii haaave oneeee!" Pinkie answered in a sing-song voice, speeding out of the library and in the general direction of Sugarcube Corner to no doubt fetch it.

Spike shrugged. "Okay, now what?"

Twilight turned around and began to walk outside. "I know the place Pinkie is talking about, so I believe I'll make a visit to the Foal Free Press and have them print some flyers that I can put around Ponyville. Spike, help Pinkie set up the projector when she gets back. If I hurry, I could have this movie ready by tonight!"

As the door shut behind her, Spike was left alone in the library. "Definitely one of those days," he grumbled as he began cleaning up the mess Pinkie had made as she had hopped around the library.

* * *

As Twilight thanked Featherweight for the hundreds of copies of the movie premiere location and time, she had the good fortune of catching Rainbow Dash overhead, and recalling her ability to rally the entire pegasi population with nothing more than a rain of pamphlets, called out to her.

"Daaaaaaaash!"

Rainbow Dash looked down to see a Twilight Sparkle almost wobbling under the weight of all the flyers she was carrying, and did a quick somersault to double back and land right in front of Twilight.

"Hey Twilight. Uh, need help?"

"Yes. I was planning on showing a movie tonight outside of Ponyville. Would you mind passing these flyers around town?"

"Sure thing!" and without another word she took a huge bundle of the advertisements in her hooves and flew off, scattering them in strategic locations around town. Twilight was positively giddy. She'd be able to experience an important part of Ponyville history and share it with the entire town, too!

As the packets of information began to fall, most of the younger ponies were rather excited at the idea of seeing a movie on the massive cliff face, especially a movie that had been made in Ponyville. The older ones, however, simply stared at them with utter and complete dread. One flyer expertly managed to find its way into the office of the mayor through her window, catching her in the face. As she tore it off and began to read it, only one word escaped her lips.

"No."

* * *

As the sun set, most of the town had gathered around the massive cliff, where Pinkie had just finished setting up the projector. The younger part of the audience was chatting excitedly, the older exchanging worried glances.

As the light became faint enough for movie viewing, Twilight Sparkle made her way to the front of the crowd with a small microphone.

"Ahem!" she stated, before the feedback caused enough of a screech to make her wince and get the attention of most of the town, "Um, ahem. Earlier today, I learned that Ponyville was the set of a movie, an important cultural event that has somehow slipped through the cracks of history. However, due to the diligent work of an expert team of researchers, the movie once though lost has been recovered! Fillies and gentlecolts, I give you:_ Attack of the Smooze!"_

She motioned toward Spike to start the projector. As he did, the mayor, who had been sitting close to him, stood up.

"NOW!"

All at once, the majority of the older population of Ponyville set upon the projector with bats, frying pans, and any other blunt object they brought with them. In under a minute the projector was reducing to a scrap heap, spewing smoke and sparks.

The mayor and her mob stood there for a second, and they all then breathed a collective sigh of relief. As they did, Twilight motioned to Pinkie.

"NOW!"

Pinkie then flipped the switch to a second projector, which had been hidden in a grove of trees a few dozen meters away from the first projector.

Twilight looked at the mob with a sense of victory. "I assumed, correctly, that there was a faction of this town that would try and stop cultural education! That's why I had Pinkie hide the real projector!"

The mayor looked down at what they had just beaten into a pulp, and then back at Twilight. "So what did we just destroy?"

Pinkie had the answer to that. "Oh, that was a Flimflam Brothers Super Speedy Movie Seesy 6000! It never worked right!"

Grey numbers counted down on the cliff. The mayor and her mob turned pale as they realized there was now nothing they could do to save themselves.

"Now," Twilight said as she turned to the rest of the crowd, "I give you: _Attack of the Smooze!"_

* * *

The black and white movie began with two ponies sitting on the edge of a cliff, looking at the stars. One was a pegasus pony with a milkshake for a cutie mark, who Twilight thought looked awfully similar to an older pegasus pony in Ponyville named Smooth Shake. There was no mistaking the other one, a larger than average earth pony with a fan for a cutie mark. Twilight turned to the crowd to see Mr. Breezy cupping his face in his own hooves, and he appeared to be sobbing.

"Gee golly," the younger Smooth Shake said, "Do you ever wonder if there's other life out there?"

"Naaaaaah." the younger Mr. Breezy said, giving a very exaggerated "pshaw" movement with one of his hooves. Just as he did, a small bright light appeared in the sky. Smooth Shake pointed towards it.

"What's that!?" she practically screamed, with the entire audience recoiling a bit from the volume of it.

What then appeared was a very obviously fake comet tied to a piece of string hurtling through a drawn background of space. The fake comet then approached an equally fake cutout of the planet Equestria inhabited. A very unclean edit then had the fake comet on fire as it approached the planet to simulate its entrance into the atmosphere, and the movie switched back to the POV of the couple.

The camera angle was in front of them now, both ponies following the path of a bright light just offscreen. As the light dimmed, the camera shook and a loud crash was heard, but both actors took longer than necessary to react to it.

"What was that!?" Smooth Shake again screamed in an overly dramatic fashion.

"I don't know, but I'm gonna find out!" Mr. Breezy said as he bounded down a path cut out of the cliff, tripping a few times along the way. In the next scene, Mr. Breezy was approaching a glowing crater, and Smooth Shake had appeared behind him for some reason, even though she hadn't followed him down the cliff.

"What is it?" Smooth Shake asked.

Mr. Breezy leaned in for a closer look, and the meteorite that was the source of the glowing cracked open, and some sort of slime appeared to dribble out of it.

"It's..." Mr. Breezy said, as the rock cracked open even further and even more slime began to pour out.

"It's..." he said once again as the slime began to take shape, or as much shape as it could since it was pretty apparent that it was a stop-motion animation of clay.

"IT'S..." he exclaimed one last time as two large eyes appeared out of the goop, and a large gaping mouth appeared in the center of the bubbling mass.

**"THE SMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOZE!" **the younger Smooth Shake hollered, putting both hooves on her head to drive the point across. As she screamed the creature's name, the title of the movie appeared, bold lettering modified to look like all the letters were dripping ooze: Attack of the Smooze!

It was only now that Twilight realized what she had done. Yet, she couldn't seem to find the willpower to tell Pinkie to stop the movie. It was so horrible yet she could not look away.

The next few scenes followed the Smooze around, as it ambushed the various residents of Ponyville and ate them, growing larger each time. One of the particularly awful death scenes was Matilda's, who was eaten when the Smooze attacked her from a tree branch. It eventually grew so large that it started rampaging down the main street of the Ponyville of many years ago. The Smooze's rampage would have been much scarier if the flight from the creature had been in any way coordinated, instead each pony ran in a different direction without any sense of preparation. Some of them even ran towards the Smooze.

As it was seemingly destroying Ponyville, the scene then switched to what appeared to be a very poor mockup of Princess Celestia's throne room in Canterlot. The camera followed a much younger mayor in a general's outfit, complete with peaked cap and a chest full of medals. She approached Princess Celestia, who was sitting on a throne made of cardboard.

And that wasn't Princess Celestia either. It instead appeared to be a rather tall and lanky unicorn pony that they had attached fake wings to, and to complete the effect, had fans blowing in Fake Celestia's direction to create her signature flowing hair, somewhat cheapened by the fact that the fans could still be seen.

"Your majesty," younger mayor said as she swilled a corncob pipe around in her mouth, "we have a situation."

Fake Celestia, apparently having full knowledge of the Smooze's attack, instantly crinkled her nose in camera drew in for a huge close-up, to the point where her cheek was actually touching the lens. "Call in the Thunderbolts!"

What then transpired was the Smooze climbing on top of a water tower and fighting the Thunderbolts off as they swarmed around it. Eventually the the monster lost its balance and fell off the tower. As explained earlier in the movie, and with bad science that made Twilight gag, water was the Smooze's only weakness. It plunged into a pool the entire town had dug under the tower and tried to climb its way out, only to dissolve into a featureless ponies celebrated with forced enthusiasm.

The movie's final scene was with the mayor and Fake Celestia standing on the same cliff as the start of the movie, watching the stars. The fans were still visible.

"Do you think there's friendly life out there?" the mayor asked.

"I don't know. I just don't know." Fake Celestia answered, just as her wig flew off.

* * *

A giant FIN appeared on the side of the cliff and the credits began to roll with every pony in town looking on, mouths agape. Twilight was equally stunned, and managed to gather up enough courage to look at the crowd. The mayor slowly walked to the front of the crowd, cleared her voice, and tried to justify what they had just seen.

"Citizens of Ponyville. Years ago we were approached by a small cinematic company who promised us all roles in an upcoming film. We were told that it would be a box office hit, and bring untold tourist money to our small town. When the movie was finally released in theaters, it was an absolute tragedy. Shortly after the movie was released, I was elected mayor, and used half the town's budget to purchase all known copies of the movie and burn them, and we all vowed to never speak of it again."

The mayor shook her head. "I take full responsibility for what you have just seen. I shall be resigning from my position tomorrow."

The silence lasted what seemed like forever, until one of the younger ponies began chuckling. Another followed, until the entire youth section of the town were either laughing so hard that they were rolling on the ground or had tears in their eyes. Most of the older ponies stared at the ground. Mr. Breezy was still crying, with Smooth Shake trying to console him.

Pinkie Pie, who was laughing harder than anypony, eventually managed to get out a few words. "Again!" she shouted in between laughs, "Show it again!"

Many of the younger ponies agreed, and soon the chants of "Again!" and "Encore!" echoed throughout the crowd. Twilight was stunned. How could they possible like this...this...disaster? No wonder the older ponies had tried to stop her!

The mayor was equally confused. She looked out across the crowd. "You mean you liked this...crime?"

The crowd not involved in the making of the movie gave a unanimous yes, and Pinkie took that as permission to start the movie all over again.

Twilight simply looked on as Mr. Breezy and Smooth Shake showed up on the cliff wall once again, this time to riotous laughter. Even some of the older ponies stated joining in, forgetting about the embarrassment and shame of the movie and laughing at the sheer ridiculousness of it. By the fifth viewing, the entire town was laughing itself silly, and even Twilight had joined them.

As Pinkie started the movie a sixth time, Twilight walked over to Spike, who had fallen asleep.

She nudged him, and he groggily replied by sitting up and scratching his rump. "Yeah?"

"Spike, take a letter." Spike somehow produced a parchment and quill, and began to write as Twilight dictated her letter to the Princess.

_"Dear Princess Celestia,_

_Embarrassment can color your own perceptions, and make things seem worse than they really are. Today I learned that it's not good to bury those feelings, as living in shame and regret rarely makes things good for anypony. Sometimes, it's best to just laugh at your own mistakes, rather than dwelling on them._

_Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle."_

Spike bathed the letter in green fire, with neither Spike or Twilight noticing the letter went only a short distance away, to the top of a small hill within viewing distance of the movie. The scroll popped out of the green wisp, and onto Princess Celestia's lap, where she had hoarded an entire trove of popcorn, sodas, and sweets. She picked up the letter and set it to the side, not being able to read it with ease anyway due to her 3D glasses.

Beside her, Princess Luna munched away on a candy bar, "Does thou thinkst they will show the film a seventh time, sister?"

"I hope so," Celestia replied.


End file.
